here I am…. August 15, 2008…. So, I never looked at myself as a blogger… but just recently, I gained some inspiration. I read his blogs, and thought to myself “man, he must feel great! he let a lot off of his chest”… so, im gonna give it a try.. But….Where do I start…
Once upon a time…… yea that sounds great, but this aint no fairy tail. I’ve been through sooo many changes it aint even funny. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking “ who doesn’t go through changes?”… Well yeah, we all do. But because we’re different, our “changes” are unique.. Let me explain. Have you EVER felt like you had to compromise who you were to make someone else happy? Or have you ever had to be someone different around certain people to the point where you don’t even know who you are anymore?... I almost got to that point. I forgot myself … the cliché is “I need to find myself”….well this aint the case.. I didn’t lose anything.. I know who I am.. But I just forgot about me and what makes me happy. I looked back and did a little research on what makes up Chavi. I’m fun, funny, affectionate, caring, goofy, outspoken, outgoing, clumsy, creative, loving, nurturing, helping, willing and most of all, able. With time, I watched myself become vindictive, quite, nonchalant, and most of all, I flat out didn’t give a fuck. Why? Well, I didn’t know then, but NOW, I know why. The person I was with made me feel like I always had to have my guard up and be on the defense alllllllllllll the time. I was so busy protecting myself from him, which made me forget about me. I did the things that made him happy, not me. I said the things he wanted to hear, not what I wanted to say. I went to the places he wanted to go. And boy was I stupid! Cause I never stopped to think “why don’t we ever go anywhere I want to go?”. And to think, I married this fool… well, Then, I was dumb. Now, I’m on the straight and narrow… I took a Vow under God.. I said would love and cherish till death… man, I failed BIG TIME with that one. As strong as my faith is, I just KNEW everything would work.. and I would be happy.. But I was soooooooo wrong.. So am I a complete failure if I see its not going anywhere and I want out?... look at it this way….. You’re in a marriage, but you’re absolutely miserable … should you stay? Cause I’m sure God didn’t say “you MUST stay together even if you are miserable”.. That don’t make sense.. So did I fail? So now I’m at the breaking point.. I got my “walking papers” so I don’t have to worry about that anymore.. That was somewhat a HUGE waste of time… I mean, I learned a lot, but now.. IM OUT THIS PIECE!.. Whew.. That felt good. I wont be anyone’s arm piece.. eye candy, butler, bust it baby, jump off or any of that.. this was a part of my life when I though I was grown….. I aint grown yet. I mean, yeah, I pay bills and work EVERYDAY ALL DAY but I still have a little ways to go. But I’m getting there.
But looking back even further…………………. I hurt a few people and well, that aint cool. I gave things up, I put things on the back burner, and I let people down. Not saying that it’s all about what others think, but if you care enough about folks, then their words hold some weight. So here goes it….. firstly, (to you , and you know who you are) I’m sorry, I apologize, I am deeply remorseful .. I don’t know how bad the hurt was, but I know it stung. Totally not my intention. I can remember all of the talk behind it, and how the whole thought of you and I just kinda dissipated. I got super frustrated cause you wouldn’t let me in. I knew you liked me, but something just didn’t seem right, like you were holding back, or holding in. Amerie said it all “ why don’t we fall in love”… I kept asking why. it was like 70/30…. 70% of you was like “ hell yeah! Lets do this”.. And well, the other 30% was like “ whoa, hold up… I don’t know about this”. You were so different from what I was used to, and it was refreshing yet kinda frustrating…refreshing because you made me look at things in a different light… Frustrating because you held things in, and it was like a guessing game.. I loved you, still do. Things didn’t happen the way they should have. The way everything ended was wrong. I was learning you, and seeing what made you so different from who everyone else knew you as. And I liked it!.. I always wondered if you looked at me the same way. But I screwed that up. I’m just grateful to get the occasional text… or a comment here and there. I look at you now and see how much you’ve changed… not in a bad way, but you’ve changed quite a bit. I’m proud of you, I had nothing to do with the transformation but I can see a lot of who you are on the inside, the person you were trying to let out, but didn’t know how. Its crazy now I’m wondering what would it be like…you made me smile… you made me cry… you made me laugh hella hard!... I still have that pink elephant… the Starburst BEEN gone… you were so thoughtful… I hope you hold me close to your heart like I still do you. You meant something to me, and you still do… thanks for being there for me when I needed you the most, even if it meant you had to drive illegally lol…. thanks for your birthday….. Thanks for my birthday… (Feet pajamas) … you’re the best. I knew who I was when I was with you……
Now what ….. I’ve been a victim of stupidity and I don’t EVER wanna go there again. So what can I do to make this better? Take care of me and mines. Get back to me. on a scale of 1 to 10 I’m about a 7 as far as getting back to me…. but when I hit that 10, look out. I’ve undergone some counseling… and just because you pay someone $40 bucks a visit, and lay on a huge purple (comfortable) couch, don’t mean you crazy. I actually feel stronger, she made me see there is NOTHING wrong with me, that cant be fixed.. I’m bouncing back yall! So, instead of making vows to other people, im gonna make a few to myself… *** I vow, to never forget about me. I will do what I want, when I want. I will be considerate of MYSELF and make sure I’m good before I jump to the aid of others. I vow not to be selfish, however, I will be no ones fool. I will make every effort to be strong through any storm.. And I will keep it movin when I am encountered by idiots.. I will love myself, and take good care of me….*** besides.. If I don’t………………………………. who will?
Once upon a time…… yea that sounds great, but this aint no fairy tail. I’ve been through sooo many changes it aint even funny. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking “ who doesn’t go through changes?”… Well yeah, we all do. But because we’re different, our “changes” are unique.. Let me explain. Have you EVER felt like you had to compromise who you were to make someone else happy? Or have you ever had to be someone different around certain people to the point where you don’t even know who you are anymore?... I almost got to that point. I forgot myself … the cliché is “I need to find myself”….well this aint the case.. I didn’t lose anything.. I know who I am.. But I just forgot about me and what makes me happy. I looked back and did a little research on what makes up Chavi. I’m fun, funny, affectionate, caring, goofy, outspoken, outgoing, clumsy, creative, loving, nurturing, helping, willing and most of all, able. With time, I watched myself become vindictive, quite, nonchalant, and most of all, I flat out didn’t give a fuck. Why? Well, I didn’t know then, but NOW, I know why. The person I was with made me feel like I always had to have my guard up and be on the defense alllllllllllll the time. I was so busy protecting myself from him, which made me forget about me. I did the things that made him happy, not me. I said the things he wanted to hear, not what I wanted to say. I went to the places he wanted to go. And boy was I stupid! Cause I never stopped to think “why don’t we ever go anywhere I want to go?”. And to think, I married this fool… well, Then, I was dumb. Now, I’m on the straight and narrow… I took a Vow under God.. I said would love and cherish till death… man, I failed BIG TIME with that one. As strong as my faith is, I just KNEW everything would work.. and I would be happy.. But I was soooooooo wrong.. So am I a complete failure if I see its not going anywhere and I want out?... look at it this way….. You’re in a marriage, but you’re absolutely miserable … should you stay? Cause I’m sure God didn’t say “you MUST stay together even if you are miserable”.. That don’t make sense.. So did I fail? So now I’m at the breaking point.. I got my “walking papers” so I don’t have to worry about that anymore.. That was somewhat a HUGE waste of time… I mean, I learned a lot, but now.. IM OUT THIS PIECE!.. Whew.. That felt good. I wont be anyone’s arm piece.. eye candy, butler, bust it baby, jump off or any of that.. this was a part of my life when I though I was grown….. I aint grown yet. I mean, yeah, I pay bills and work EVERYDAY ALL DAY but I still have a little ways to go. But I’m getting there.
But looking back even further…………………. I hurt a few people and well, that aint cool. I gave things up, I put things on the back burner, and I let people down. Not saying that it’s all about what others think, but if you care enough about folks, then their words hold some weight. So here goes it….. firstly, (to you , and you know who you are) I’m sorry, I apologize, I am deeply remorseful .. I don’t know how bad the hurt was, but I know it stung. Totally not my intention. I can remember all of the talk behind it, and how the whole thought of you and I just kinda dissipated. I got super frustrated cause you wouldn’t let me in. I knew you liked me, but something just didn’t seem right, like you were holding back, or holding in. Amerie said it all “ why don’t we fall in love”… I kept asking why. it was like 70/30…. 70% of you was like “ hell yeah! Lets do this”.. And well, the other 30% was like “ whoa, hold up… I don’t know about this”. You were so different from what I was used to, and it was refreshing yet kinda frustrating…refreshing because you made me look at things in a different light… Frustrating because you held things in, and it was like a guessing game.. I loved you, still do. Things didn’t happen the way they should have. The way everything ended was wrong. I was learning you, and seeing what made you so different from who everyone else knew you as. And I liked it!.. I always wondered if you looked at me the same way. But I screwed that up. I’m just grateful to get the occasional text… or a comment here and there. I look at you now and see how much you’ve changed… not in a bad way, but you’ve changed quite a bit. I’m proud of you, I had nothing to do with the transformation but I can see a lot of who you are on the inside, the person you were trying to let out, but didn’t know how. Its crazy now I’m wondering what would it be like…you made me smile… you made me cry… you made me laugh hella hard!... I still have that pink elephant… the Starburst BEEN gone… you were so thoughtful… I hope you hold me close to your heart like I still do you. You meant something to me, and you still do… thanks for being there for me when I needed you the most, even if it meant you had to drive illegally lol…. thanks for your birthday….. Thanks for my birthday… (Feet pajamas) … you’re the best. I knew who I was when I was with you……
Now what ….. I’ve been a victim of stupidity and I don’t EVER wanna go there again. So what can I do to make this better? Take care of me and mines. Get back to me. on a scale of 1 to 10 I’m about a 7 as far as getting back to me…. but when I hit that 10, look out. I’ve undergone some counseling… and just because you pay someone $40 bucks a visit, and lay on a huge purple (comfortable) couch, don’t mean you crazy. I actually feel stronger, she made me see there is NOTHING wrong with me, that cant be fixed.. I’m bouncing back yall! So, instead of making vows to other people, im gonna make a few to myself… *** I vow, to never forget about me. I will do what I want, when I want. I will be considerate of MYSELF and make sure I’m good before I jump to the aid of others. I vow not to be selfish, however, I will be no ones fool. I will make every effort to be strong through any storm.. And I will keep it movin when I am encountered by idiots.. I will love myself, and take good care of me….*** besides.. If I don’t………………………………. who will?
2 comments:
How did that feel to let all of that out? I know it feels good.. it helps me a lot.. im glad you have an outlet now.. im glad u gave us a door to your mind.. im waitin to see how this grows and how you will be able to look back sort of like a diary and see where u were and where you came from. Im so proud of you.. you made me smile a few good times with this one.. God knows your heart.. you be stronger than ever now.. if you need anything.. just holla.. im just up the highway.. xo
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