Previously Unfamiliar ......

Song that best describes my mood right now ..... Erykah Badu - "My Life" Mama's Gun

Yep, that's right folks... not brand new... but previously unfamiliar .. Cause brand new is like " oooh ,she got a new job, and a new car.. now she acting brand new"... naw.. not that. I'm Shiny, refined, polished, repaired, changed, better... ... got a new hair cut... lost a few pounds and well, I got a lil more pep in my step. I'm happy about that. I think I finally found ME.. Past blogs talked about "finding myself".... well, I'm found. went through a few processes, hung around a different crowd. Now, I know what was missing. ME!!... the real me... im back...


so now, this is where I am..... Just recently , the father of my Son expressed to me that he only wants to be with me ( I laughed).. is it possible to marry someone and the moment you find out you're not "their everything" you suddenly lose all interest. Or, if you find out that you're not the only one he's telling that to!.. funny huh?.. so, the day after Thanksgiving, he goes out, he gets drunk.... and I get the phone call....

Him: Maan, I'm smacked, can I crash on your couch

Me: No, and why are you so "smacked"

Him: Im depressed, so I came out and Jerron wouldn't stop buying me drinks... I know you live closer to downtown then I do, and I don't think I'm going to make it home.

Me: Well, that's something you should have though about. you just assumed I would say you could come over?... or was it you thought you were gonna get some ass??

Him:... NOOOO!.. I just knew you would care about my safety , so I figured I'd call and see if you would be ok with me coming to try and sleep t his off.

Me: well, I'm not ok with it. you need to make it home. If I got drunk, I wouldn't expect you to cater to me. I'm grown, I have to be held accountable for my actions. and so do you.

Him: well, I just don't want to get pulled over, so I though I was being responsible by calling you.

Me: point well taken.. however, I'm going to have to deny your request.

Him: look , I just want to be with you... this holiday was very depressing for me because I didn't have my Wife, or my Son with me. I want you back. I want to be a family again.. I don't want our son to grow up in a home without his mom and dad.

Me: Again, point well taken... however.... I grew up in a home without my dad and I turned out DAMN GOOD if not better!. im sick of that poor excuse. you're full of them. so save it, make your way home and sleep that off on your own couch.. you are obviously saying these things because you are drunk. we'll see what you have to say in the morning.

Him:..... if that's how you're gonna be, then fine!

so , the night passes.... morning comes..... and I get a phone call.....

its him......

Him: can I please take you and our son out to breakfast?

Me: Why? you will see your son on Monday, can you guys eat breakfast then?

Him: look, I really really miss you guys and I need to see you both....

Me:... ok, ok.... we'll eat breakfast... that's it!... then we're out


So, we meet at Perkins... when I saw the expression on my sons face when he saw his mom and dad together, it made me understand how important it is for a family to be together...... HOWEVER..... I'm not sayin it thought about getting back with him... I'm saying, I will do better at having family time so that my son can see that his mother and father are great people, and we love him dearly. so, part of my "Previously Unfamiliar" process was to realize there is no need to be a bitch about my situation.. but to try and make the best of it cause I'm gonna have to deal with it regardless...

so, once I came to that realization.... I was much happier with the person I've become. Satisfied because even though I may think my situation is tough, it really aint that bad.... I mean, I don't gotta live with the dude. and he takes great care of our son... I'm doing pretty good.

A friend of mine tells me " Chavi, something tells me that you're gonna meet someone.. you're gonna catch someone's eye, and they're not gonna be able to resist you... if I wasn't married, I'd have no problems with making you happy".... that made me fell all warm and fuzzy on the inside. although I don't believe him, it was still very nice of him to say. so I was thinkin....Will I really catch someone's eye? or will I be the Old lady with the 20 cats?... either way, I don't care.. cause I'm happy with just being Chavi.

I don't think I'm hard to please... its just that some people don't "get me"... some say I'm "too much like one of the boys"... well, you cant kiss on ya boys... can you?... so what is it... tell me?.so , for all of you guys who know me... answer me this....... am I too nice, mean, clean, dirty lol? its gotta be something.

cause if you ask me... I'm kind of a big deal...... lol

dang...

And so it stands…… Life as I know it begins again… I’ve been living in my 2 bedroom apartment for 2 months now. I’ve had company 4 times… 3 girls… 1 guy (thanks DJ) I sat and cried last night because I’m realizing, I’m gonna be alone … FOREVER. Like I’m cursed. I thought I was pretty simple, I don’t ask for much and I’d like to think im kinda cute… at times. But it’s like the only men who truly love me is God, My dad, my brother, and my son. And, I’m ok with that… to an extent. I’m learning how to love myself, and if I’m gonna be a fool for anyone, it’s gonna be me. So I’ve been taking myself through this process where I’ve just been totally silent…. Not really talking to many people... Just to see who my real friends are, and who’s really in my corner. I shared this process with a really good friend of mine, because he IS this process. I always wondered what it would be like to totally cut yourself off from some people. Another reason is because, you can neeeever truly understand someone unless you at least try to put yourself in their shoes. So, since I’ve done so, I can say that I do understand him a little more. So, check this out. Since the process…. I’ve noticed that if you don’t give people anything to talk about, they start to make things up! And when people make things up, they look stupid!! so now, I’m known as “stuck up”… “Antisocial” …. Oh, and let’s not forget “sneaky”….. That’s right folks, this is what happens when you keep to yourself. So, did I figure out who my real friends are? Sure did. And let’s just say the list went WAAAAAAAY down. I’m starting to think I should have went through this process a LOOOOOOONG time ago… maybe I wouldn’t have made the crucial mistakes that I’ve made thus far. so I look back on things now, and I see where I messed up. And as long as I keep myself on the straight and narrow, I should be just fine. But it bothers me to think that I’ve missed my opportunity to be happy…am I being picky? Or not picky enough? Can/will anyone like me for me? “Those who don’t mind matter and those who do mind don’t matter”….. This is veeeery true. For the very few friends that I do have, thanks for not minding. For those of you who do mind, well….. Kiss my ass. Im going to chill out, and just let Mr. Right fall in my lap… because I just been attracting Mr. Wrong for too long and I cant stand to put myself through that BS ever again. God will always come first… he’ll tell me what to do… I just have to let him.

The Answer

This blog is an answer to a blog I read today…. Not a rebuttal, cause im a lover, not a fighter. But I just felt the need to state my claim and hope that the person’s blog I read will not take it as a refute but more like a “hmm interesting” type deal… I love you, and I really hope you don’t take this the wrong way... And if you do……..


You think you know someone soooo well, then you realize you don’t. That goes both ways. In an effort to be a better person, I’ve learned it’s all about give and take....when you take more then you give, you’re satisfied at first, then you end up very disappointed. When you give more then you take, you end up feeling cheated. As a result of being disappointed, you will see that it becomes very easy to have the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. When you feel cheated, you tend to have the “I don’t give a fuck, and you will pay” attitude. I have experienced both, and neither of them have a pleasant aftertaste. And while it is no ones goal to be unhappy, we all seem to run across the “usual suspects” that make it apparent why we don’t “fuck” with people like that… by that I mean the “ones” that spit a good game, and then after while the game runs out and they have to rely on who they really are… it’s the ones who are Real from the beginning that last the test of time…so what happens when you have someone right in front of your face that seem perfect (we know their not) and they say the right things and well, things are just PEACHY?....you roll with it right? …. WRONG… check this…

Patient: capable of waiting, able to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset.
Capable of preserve calmly, especially when faced with difficulties.

Patient: somebody given medical treatment, someone who receives medical attention.

This is what I think: being patient can turn you into a patient….

Have you EVER been sooooooooo patient that you drive yourself crazy?? …. I have.

Patients can be looked at from many different points.. When you’re trying to figure a person out, in the beginning it cool, its fun, the anticipation of learning new info is exciting… then, after while you start to wonder if the other person is just being difficult… and if they’re just leading you on… or if they even like you like that…Then you start to question yourself, which is never good cause then you’re trying to find everything wrong with yourself to have a good enough reason for why the other person is so hard to figure out!... So to avoid all those feelings, some people just split, and go with what they know, unable to really explore what’s out there cause you’re scared that you might get hurt.. Or worst you might actually like someone enough to let them stick around.. Scary huh?
Uncertainty is always scary. No one wants to keep going further into something that seems ever complex. Men AND Women are confusing… My patients may not be the same as yours. I may be able to hold out on eating chocolate for 3 weeks, while you may only last 2 days… so does that mean you have no patients?.. How long is long enough? At what point in a relationship do you throw all of your cards on the table and reveal what you have? At what cost to do risk it all on that 1 person... and is it really a risk? And if you just so happen to find that one, does patients still apply? Or is it non existent cause you have who you want?... so my question is, When does patients apply?

I’m asking because I’ve been told by several people that im impatient. When I wanted to buy a new car, I went hard at it everyday and wouldn’t stop calling the dealership… my friend said “ you’re too impatient, why don’t you just sit back and relax”… well, I got what I wanted, when I wanted it and at the price I wanted.. Now that persons car is broke down… I remember one time when I wanted to get a tattoo my friends said “ Chavi, are you sure you want to do this, just wait , and see how you feel about it tomorrow”… nope, I went THAT NIGHT and got a tattoo and I couldn’t have done it at a better time .. Why? Cause that next week, the tattoo parlor went up on their prices… so, I gave you the Webster version of what “patients” means.. now let me give you mine

Patients: slacking off, not going for what you want. Relaxed and comfortable with failure. Giving in.

I’m not perfect… obviously. But I don’t claim to be… I have MANY flaws, and yeah, I thought the dude I was with was ok with that… well, he wasn’t. is any one %100 ok with accepting others flaws?... and if you cant live with a few flaws should you check yourself or do you skip over what may be a good catch cause you’ve made your standards too far out of reach? Not saying you should lower your standards.. but make them realistic.. which , most people have.

So, the next time someone says “Chavi, you’re impatient” … I’m gonna say “thanks, that’s awful nice of you to say”… damn right.

Don't do that..... Aint cool...

:::::crackin up laughin::::::


For all you Myspace, Facebook, and Black Planet heads…..

Are you tired of getting hit on via web? Are you sick of guys/ girls saying things like ; “ you seem like a really sweet cool person, I wanna get to know you”?.... and the most you've ever said to each other was "hi".. well ..........................

Well, before I go any further.. check out the message I go on Myspace..




----------------- Original Message -----------------From: kevinDate: Aug 27, 2008 10:38 AMwats good chavi how u u have beautiful skin and a smile u have a man hit me back


--------- Original Message -----------------
From: ChaviDate: 27 Aug 2008, 02:19 PMaww thanks, that’s really sweet of you. .. Actually I’m not looking. I’m going through a bit of a Divorce, and I’m just on chill mode. But I appreciate your compliment… that’s sweet. Thank you.

----------------- Original Message -----------------From: kevinDate: Aug 27, 2008 2:38

ur husband messed up wit u bad look at u u fine sweet beautiful smart caring u honest charming wonderful sexy women if i was ur husband i treat u like a queen babii would i even charish u be there 4 u and im a very good hearted guy i do all ov dat 4 u. you just gotta give me some ov yo time I can do da rest fa you. You need a man who can make you feel good. Let me do dat

……………… ok, I see sooooo many things wrong with this picture.. .
1) learn how to spell.. How are you going to pick up on some chicks if you spelling 2 letter words wrong…? Huh?
2) I made it very clear that I was not looking, yet he KNOWS that my “husband” messed up.
3) If you never met me, how do you know I’m honest, charming and smart?... I could be a stupid mean liar.

So, why am I bothered by this? BECAUSE, it’s sad to see people sale out! Don’t do that!! That aint cool!.. You look soooo desperate. Is it really that bad? So now my question is, how do you handle stuff like that? The guy clearly does this to every cute female he happens to stumble upon, so we all know he’s a pro at “ internet stalking”… lol I just wish there was some type of filter for folks who do crap like this. I mean, I’m not perfect, and I’m not saying he’s beneath me, but dang… come on yall… he reeeeally laid it on thick with this one.


Just thought I’d share that with ya.

Today was a good day....... well, Kinda.

So I woke up this morning unusually happy. I mean, I always wake up happy, but this morning was like, extra. I sang every song on the radio on the way to work, and I didn’t yell “ IT’S THE PEDAL ON THE RIGHT” to the slow driving senior citizen in front of me holding up traffic with their left turn signal on , which was bad cause left was not an option. I even curled my hair this morning, which is unusual for Friday. I went to the grocery market, made me a salad then went to do some banking… now that’s grown up!. Usually when my day starts off like this, I always think back to what my grandmother used to say “ too much laughter brings tears ” … and its been sooo true… every time I have a good day, I end up crying that night. So today I said to myself “ I’m gonna have a good day no matter what, noooooooo body is gonna make it bad for me” so when I said that, I found a dollar flying around in the bank parking lot.. I took it and bought a lottery ticket from the machine and won $2! Then I got to work and waiting on my desk was a note and smart water (my favorite water) and a note that said “I’m sorry for being a ass the other day, you always look really nice and you deserve a real compliment”… so I smiled… and said thanks, instead of “ yeah… I thought so” … I sit at my desk, boot up the PC and open my email to ………… “Chavi will be covering for Mike Pezner, she will be completing all SISO documentation. She will also be checking all voicemails. Chavi can be reached at EXT 6230”…………….. Pissed. Let me explain why.. I work in a call center, where I have 40 technicians that I schedule daily. I’m constantly on the phone with them and I dont have extra time for NOTHIN. Get this… I am the scheduler for SAN FRANCISCO BAY!.. Not even the DYT… so its HELL, cause most of my techs are Mexicans. So I find myself answering my phone “ Hola, Chavi” .. Now you want me to cover another area ON TOP OF MINE.. And there’s a lady in my area that has NEEEEVER covered for anyone!.. so yeah……… Pissed. But you know what…. I’m gonna exhale, eat my salad, listen to some music and thank God for my job……… im still gonna have a good day.

Wow... (smh)

Some people reeeeally have their nerve… asking questions that just don’t seem relevant. so I come in to work today, pretty laid back atmosphere, people are nice, we can kinda dress how we want… .so I wear : white baby T, Jeans, and white Jordans…. Simple huh?.. well, the guy who sits next to me asked me a question today… he says, “ you like wearing shirts that show your boobs don’t you?” …. STOP , rewind……….. hello, how are you today? You look nice… NOPE, none of that. So instead of copping an attitude, I figured I’d take a different approach…. So I asked “what makes you say that?”… he says, “ well, I’m not saying I don’t like it, and I’m not saying you look bad or anything, just let me clear that up, its just that most girls with big boobs wear stuff on purpose to get attention. I’m not saying you’re that kinda girl, but I figured I’d ask cause I knew you would give me a straight answer”….. so, I thought about it for a minute… I said “ yes, I have big boobs… if I wore a turtle neck, I would still have big boobs.. if I wore a bullet proof vest, I would STILL have big boobs.. That’s something I just can’t help.”… So he says “ So, you don’t wear things on purpose to show them off?”…. I said “ wellll, I cant say that I don’t , and I cant say that I do, if I’m going out, I might show a little more then usual, but I still don’t understand why you’re asking me that”…. So he says “ ok, ima keep it real… lately, I’ve been watching you… you make me wonder … in a good way… don’t take this the wrong way but I just wanna know ……. Can I ____________”…. You finish the rest… he and I have been cool ever since I started working here... He’s made comments that I guess I really never paid any attention to… we go to the same Gym, and I see him more then I see myself… so, I’m on to him.. I know his kind , or at least I thought I did. While I wanted to act all mad, and appalled, I couldn’t …. It was kinda flattering… someone was actually checking me out…. I guess that’s kinda odd for me. Most people wont tell you that you have something in your teeth, let alone complement you on your outfit…

so, now I’m all paranoid that I’m showing too much boob, and keep checking to make sure aint nothing poppin out.. so then he says “did your dude like it when you would show cleavage?”… I said “who knows, he never said anything”.. So he says…. “My point exactly, he was not doing you right… I think some females just throw themselves out there and when they get the wrong reaction they wanna send all of us men to hell”…… dude………… who asked you?!.... you just asked me if you could ________ ( you finish the rest) and you wanna talk about females throwing themselves out there “like dat”… so my answer to his “Can I” question was No of course... So, Answer me this. Is that how Guys do it now a days?..... I want a smooth brotha. So let me tell you what I wanna hear: (for you confused brothas) “ Hi my name is ______ , I’ve seen you around a few times. You’ve caught my eye every time... I’ve thought about approaching you on a few occasions but I knew I had to come correct. You just don’t seem like the time to put up with lame pick up lines. So , if I were to ask you for your number, would you grant me the privilege to give you a call sometime? …. I’m sorry, I didn’t ask if you had a man, if so, I’m not going to ask to be your friend, because if you was mine, I wouldn’t want to share… I just want to talk to you, anywhere, you pick. You seem interesting to me, let me listen to you and see where this goes”…now, if a man said that to me, I couldn’t refuse… some men can be so lame, the come with these wack pick up lines, and wonder why women clown them… Last time I checked, I compliment didn’t consist of “ ay bay bay, you got a fat ass” that’s just sad……. Compliments don’t come easy, but if they gotta come like that… I don’t want em. don’t need em, you can keep em.

… The move

You can move from your family, your friends, your job, your spouse even your old neighborhood. So my question is… Can you move from yourself?

Call me “The Mover”… I’ve moved 3 times in the last 4 years. Oh, but it gets better! I’ll be moving this year too! Sad huh? You would think I was running from someone. I look at my friends and wonder “what the hell is my problem” they seem to have their shit together… I’ll give you the scoop on what I mean.

(I will not use real names but they’ll know who they are)

Friend number 1: Albany, she’s a power house when it comes down to getting it done! She purchased a HOUSE! For her and her children... yeah she ran into a few issues, and she had folks telling her not to move. But she did what she thought was best for her and her kids. She’s making due with what she has, and allllllllways pays her bills on time! She always finds a way out of NO WAY! Weird huh? But true. I’m sure she’s had to make some tough decisions in her life. But the main thing is, she never moved away from herself….

Friend number 2: Nevada, She can turn water into wine! She’s made a few moves and in my opinion she’s lived in some of the coolest places ever... Her surroundings make you fell soooooo comfortable. She’s the ultimate bachlorette! I know I long for that feeling of being free! And she has it. She gives new meaning to the word “carefree”… not that she’s not responsible, cause that she is… its just, she’s always so care free about everything, and never seems to be stressed out about the small stuff… and get this, she has RMA (arthritis) she has eeeeeeeeevery right to complain.. But she lets that slide.. she never moved away from herself…

Friend number 3: Toledo, She seems to always have it together … she made a HUGE move. She made tons of sacrifices… not only did she leave her friends, but she left her family too… she moved to a NIIIICE apartment in the sky.. She has NO ONE there with her and she never complains. She always has a positive attitude and is known as the “peace maker”… she moved to follow HER dream… any you wanna know what’s most impressive……. she never moved away from herself..

Friend number 4: Japan, she has the ability to make any situation turn around. She lived in a place where she was clearly not welcome, but you know what? She did what she had to do.. Worked 2 jobs EVERYDAY… not to mention she worked 2 jobs while pregnant. Talk about inspiration. She moved from her hectic living situation and now she’s living is one of the most beautiful homes I’ve seen… through out all the changes, drama, problems and pain, she held it together. She never moved away from herself…


So what’s my problem? Why cant I seem to have it together… for so long I thought I was doing something and I wasn’t doing shit!.. I always wanted to be the one my friends admired, looked up to and seek advice from… I cant even give advice to MYSELF!.. It makes me wonder how I’m even able to have friends like these.. They’ve all been in life changing situations and somehow they’ve maintained who they are… I can only hope my next move will bring me back to who I am… I feel like I’ve evicted myself from myself (weird huh?) but its sooo true. I don’t feel like me. So, this time, I’m going to leave all the old stuff behind, and be that girl who lived in the One bedroom apartment, and loved any and everything Hello Kitty, and im gonna burn ever oil, candle, and insents, I can find… im gonna buy all the bath & body I want and make chicken spaghetti everyday!.. I’m gonna clean my house 5 times a day and lay in my Indian palace every chance I get. I’m gonna wear feet pajamas on my birthday and im gonna play dance dance revolution anytime I want!....... know why?.... cause that’s me.